Sunday, 6 January 2019
When To Say Yes & No
When you are presented with a request or comment either from your spouse, friends, family, or colleagues, how do you know when the best time is to either say "Yes" or "No?"
"Do you want to do this?"
"Do you want to do that?"
"Can you do this for me?"
"Can you do that for me?"
"Will you do this?"
"Will you do that?"
"I need you to do this..."
"I need you to do that..."
And I am sure the list could go on with many more requests...
What I have found though is sometimes if we are not confident in ourselves, we tend to go into people pleasing mode and you might end up saying "Yes" a lot but deep down wish you had of said "No". Then you later regret your decision by saying "Yes" in the first place.
This post is going to help you decide and build confidence around saying "Yes" or "No" at the right times for a more satisfying outcome, without feeling guilty!
A lot of people tend to feel guilty if they say "No" to someone and this leaves them feeling deflated and having thoughts such as people not accepting them and their decisions which makes them very selfish in an unhealthy manner. But by feeling guilt puts you straight back into a people pleasing mode and you wont be taking care of your needs, but others first instead.
As the saying goes which I am sure you have heard is; If you cant look after yourself first, then how can you expect to look after anyone else?" A great analogy of this is when you think of being on an aeroplane and the oxygen masks come down, you are told to put yours on first because if you didn't then you would die and wouldn't be able to help anyone else. Nobody is of any use dead!
This is very similar to the saying that if you cant love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you? We have to take care of ourselves and be selfish for a more peaceful life! But...
My answer would be "Yes" most of the time growing up. Yes to my friends, Yes to my family, Yes to my colleagues, Yes to pretty much anything, even if I didn't want to do what was being asked of me because I thought it would be the only way for people to like and accept me.
I used to think that if I said "No" then I would be going against everyone and would end up hurting peoples feelings. But instead, what happened to me saying "Yes" all the time? My feelings were getting hurt! Nobody else's unless of course whatever was being asked of me wasn't done right by myself and so I didn't want to feel rejected right? I wanted to fit in.
Perhaps you can relate to this where you are just so desperate to fit in to society but not sure how to handle different pressures from different demands, opportunities, requests, and so on? You just end up going along for the sake of going along sake, getting nowhere and nothing in return apart from wishing you were more confident and strong and able to say "No" occasionally for your own health and peace of mind.
I mean is it really weak to say "NO"?
NO of course it's not! It turns out its actually a really good thing to say "NO" from time to time for a healthier peace of mind and to recharge your own batteries.
I learned after a short while of becoming more independent that I could say "NO" and it be OK!
What happened when I started putting my foot down and getting more selfish?...
People stopped demanding and asking a lot of me...
People left me alone for awhile and stopped pushing...
Life was becoming less stressful not having to keep up with all the high demands...
I was gaining more confidence in my self and started respecting myself more...
I was able to look after myself first which led me to help more productively...
My self-esteem was growing and I wasn't scared of rejection...
More positive doors and opportunities would open up...
I had more time for ME to do what I wanted, when I wanted to do them...
Ok, so here's how you determine whether something is good for you or not when answering peoples requests or comments. Listen to your self and learn by your feelings.
If it FEELS good then say "YES"
If it FEELS bad then say "NO"
You can always tell inside your body when something doesn't feel right because you might have thoughts such as;
"This doesn't feel right."
"I don't feel like doing this."
"I don't need to do this."
"I don't want to do this."
Ask yourself the question; "How do I feel about this?" And your feelings will show you what you are thinking so you may feel drained at the thought of doing something or you may feel that its not right for you at this particular time. So you will know your answer.
And the same goes for when something feels good because you will have thoughts such as;
"Yes, I want to do this."
"Yes, I am up for that."
"This sounds like fun."
"I will get a lot from this."
Again asking yourself the question; "How do I feel about this?" and then checking in with your feelings. They will manifest as exciting thoughts and you will just know by the way you feel that its OK to say "Yes!"
The last point I want to make is this. If you feel that you are a people pleaser and somebody that cant say "No" because of feeling guilty, try baby steps and start saying "No" differently. For example, if someone asks you to do something but your feeling that its not something you really want to do, try saying "No" in a different way, such as "Can I do this later?" Or "Does this have to be done right away?" or "Can I think about it and get back to you."
Remember its not what you say, it is how you say it! But don't ignore your feelings to spare others! If you want to do something then great, go ahead and do it! But if you don't want to do something then listen to your own advice and remember to take care of your self.
If you receive negative feedback after saying "No" to someone then just remember they're selfish too because they're expecting you to be different and to ignore your true feelings.
If people cant accept your decisions and opinions then it says more about them than it does you!
Keep it real and trust your inner voice and feelings.
I hope this post helps. If you have any questions or would just like to leave some feedback, they would be much appreciated.
Bye for now and remember, Get Confident And Be Selfish!
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